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Complaints and prayers.

May 3, 2010

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=crying+girl&iid=8513042″ src=”c/1/2/e/photo_caricature_from_5369.jpg?adImageId=12733214&imageId=8513042″ width=”430″ height=”396″ /]Complaints first: I restarted chemo again on Thursday the 29th after my usual week-long break from the stuff. I could not sleep that night at all, nor could I sleep the next night — until I finally realized that I was in pain from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. So I took a Tylenol and went to sleep. Chemo makes you feel so consistently crappy that sometimes it’s hard even to tell if you’re in pain. For some reason this round really slapped me down hard, even though my bloodwork “looks good,” which in chemo-land means that there’s nothing there that’s going to kill you this week. Whatever the reason, I was flat all day Saturday and didn’t start to feel a bit better until yesterday afternoon. To top off the complaints, I found that a certain face cream I have when combined with the re-start of chemo is a catalyst for a bad skin reaction. So, once again, my face feels like I have a steam burn and all the skin on my cheeks and eyelids is peeling off again.  So boo hoo hoo. At least I’m alive.

Prayers: I have lost my faith — what I mean is I’ve lost my faith in medicine to get me through this thing, not that I ever had much faith in it to begin with. I’m sure the chemo is slowing the beast down, and the supplements from the naturopath and the acupuncture [picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=miracle&iid=99526″ src=”0095/243189b7-9499-4da7-86da-0245c6b49706.jpg?adImageId=12733619&imageId=99526″ width=”234″ height=”250″ /]treatmetns are certainly making me feel better than I would without them. All of the practitioners I meet, though, tell me that what I have will never go away. For some people (2%), this means 20 or 30 years of managing the cancer like you would manage diabetes. The other 98% are looking at shorter times, some of them only months. I asked my oncologist if he had ever met anyone who lived a long time with what I have and he said, “Well, I have a couple of miracle patients,” to which I answered, “Are you saying it’s going to take a miracle for me to survive this?” He said, “No, well, ummm…. what I meant was…. ummm…” and that was it.  Poor man. He puts up with a lot from me.

Anyway, I took that as a clue. I pray and I know that many of you are praying for me, but I upped it a notch by going to our churches anointing prayer service last night. I don’t know what I didn’t do this earlier.

I had someone ask me recently about prayer — about being specific in prayer. I’ve been trying to come up with a blog post about prayer, but it’s an enormous subject. In general, God asks us to take our every need to Him, and He will answer according to His will. That last part means that sometimes he says, “No.” There are things that we think would be a good idea, but  He has the eternal view and sometimes what we ask for specifically is not the right thing. On the other hand, we’re allowed to nag Him, as illustrated by the persistent widow in Luke 18. On the other other hand, sometimes we just plain old don’t know how or what to pray, in which case we just let the Spirit do it for us. I found what looks like a good sermon outline on prayer that might be helpful: And here’s what looks like some good information on healing prayers:

Other than that, if you want to add something about prayer, please do so in the comments.

Next steps (some specific things you can pray for/about): I get scanned head to toe on May 17. I get the results of the brain part of the scan that afternoon, and the result of the torso part of the scan on May 20. We’re watching two 4mm tumors in my brain and either hoping they don’t grow or disappear, or hoping they grow slowly to 6mm so they can be treated with gamma knife. We don’t want to see any new tumors or any quick growth, both of which are Very Bad Things. For the torso, we’re hoping to see continued shrinkage or complete disappearance of the tumor in my lung. It was showing good response 3 months ago. We also don’t want to see any new signs of cancer anywhere else in my body.

We’ll have to make some decisions about what to do next depending on the results of these scans. I would like to dispense with chemo altogether and resume normal life. The hard truth is that most women with what I have are on some sort of chemo for the rest of their lives. So, that’s where the miracle comes in.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. E Lis permalink
    May 3, 2010 11:44 am

    Praying and will continue to do so.

    I’m so sorry to hear of your continued pain.

    – Lisa

  2. Gina Agne permalink
    May 3, 2010 11:52 am

    Thinking of you.

  3. Murray permalink
    May 3, 2010 12:35 pm

    I’ll up my praying – I hope you can feel better soon. I think God is happy when we nag Him; when we’re childlike enough to just keeping insisting. Just like a parent, He won’t give in if it’s not in our best interest, but short of that, He loves us so much, He wants to see us happy. That’s my view, anyway.

    Take good care of yourself – Maria

  4. Penny permalink
    May 3, 2010 2:51 pm

    Praying for you – and sending gentle cyber hugs across the miles.

  5. mom permalink
    May 3, 2010 8:33 pm

    Jill my dear, I say almost the same prayer for and about you every night and fro Daniel and Hank too. Now let me tell you, if that isn’t known in heaven, I’ll get my Jehovah Witness clan to start praying for your health. Fair? Mom with love!

  6. Mamesy permalink
    May 4, 2010 12:15 pm

    I almost typed “I’ll up my prayers if you up yours.” But that seemed highly inappropriate.

    So you know, I will have a total b!tch-nag-fest with the guy upstairs, since he doesn’t mind…

    I think it’s your spirit that has gotten you this far and will see you through to complete healing.

    Sending you much love and encouragement Jill, (I hope you can feel it)


  7. Marie Barth permalink
    May 4, 2010 4:08 pm

    I am sorry for your continued need for chemo and its side effects. Prayers continue. Thought I would share this prayer that I say daily.

    Lord I ask you once again to be my physician and healer, my comfort, courage and strength this day and all of my days.

    I send love.

  8. Lisa Welch permalink
    May 4, 2010 11:12 pm

    Thinking about you, Jill. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all that pain. Is there any tangible thing I can do for you? Laundry, vacuum, food?

  9. Forrest and Carole Busching permalink
    May 6, 2010 2:50 pm

    Dear Jill,
    Your mom sent your blog site and we were reading it today.
    You will surely be in our prayers each day and it hurts our hearts to realize how much you are going through.
    Our love and prayers,
    Forrest and Carole Busching

  10. May 6, 2010 9:08 pm

    Jill, I think about you every day. EVERY day! I hope your pain goes away soon. Fingers crossed your scans are perfect!

  11. Bemuse Boomer permalink
    May 7, 2010 11:14 pm

    I believe God will comfort us with love and acceptance and that all the hard things we have to go through are not quite as hard when we don’t feel so terribly alone. I believe praying brings us closer to God and the angels, so we know we are loved and never alone. As far as the “according to his will” part–I think it’s hard for mortals to know what that is. So I try to concentrate on the comfort part.

    I hope you get some good comfort as you go through this really difficult phase.

    Blessings to you, Weary Warrior!

  12. May 8, 2010 11:14 am

    Dear Jill,
    I think the power of prayer can produce positive results. I include you in my prayers daily and I’m keeping my fingers crossed too.
    Sending you love and hope,
    Diana Maria

  13. Babs permalink
    May 9, 2010 5:40 pm

    You are not far from my thoughts (and prayers). Hugs from the East coast to the West.

  14. Mimi permalink
    May 9, 2010 6:09 pm

    Jill, I’m praying for you. If you don’t mind, I’ll ask the prayer warriors I know to storm heaven in your behalf. Regardless of what happens, may God bring you and your family comfort and peace.

  15. Deb permalink
    May 10, 2010 7:39 am

    Hi Jill, You’re in my nightly prayers along with those prayers that you’re getting from all the supportive people responding to your blog. I know the road to recovery is long and very rough, and staying on that road isn’t easy to do. But you’re resilient and your family gives you a big incentive to perservere. If anyone in this world deserves a micracle it’s you, so hang in there and wait for it because I truly believe it’s on the way. Love, Deb

  16. Colleen Oates permalink
    May 10, 2010 9:02 am

    Dear Jill,
    Happy Mother’s Day. I have just read your last post and have been trying to think how I may encourage you. After reading the information you have on prayer I was encouraged, I looked up some other information on friends blogs etc. and I finally decided to look on our church website. Being uplifted and encouraged by Godly people is comforting and our pastor,Jeff Perry,is one of those people. If you go to the following site, and click on podcast on the top you can listen to some of his sermons. I listened to one called
    “Press on During Challenges” and it was good so enjoy and know that we are praying for you. Much Love, Colleen and Ed

    St. Louis Family Church – Pastor Jeff Perry
    Nondenominational. Includes information on upcoming events, the church, families, ministries and location.
    JUMP – Events – Singles – Podcast – Cached – Similar
    St. Louis Family Church – Pastor Jeff Perry » Podcast
    Podcast Use this link to Subscribe on iTunes. Otherwise, copy and paste this into your rss reader: – Cached – Similar
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  17. May 12, 2010 8:15 am

    Madeleine L’Engle has an scene on prayer in her novel “A Ring of Endless Light”, one that has stuck with me every since I first read it. Jeb, a friend of the Austin family, is injured, and Suzy, one of the Austin children, asks her father if he is going to pray for Jeb. When he says yes, she gets angry.
    “Prayer didn’t keep Jeb from being hit by a motorcycle.”
    “Prayer was never meant to be magic,” Mother said.
    “Then why bother with it?” Suzy scowled.
    “Because it’s an act of love,” Mother said.

    So we will continue to pray for you.

  18. heidi permalink
    May 12, 2010 11:20 am

    Hi Jill. I look forward to seeing you , Hank and Daniel this Saturday.
    Jordan and his girlfriend Lara will also be here so you can meet her.


  19. May 14, 2010 12:14 am

    How can anybody read a blog like this and not want to pray for you and wish you that miracle. God bless.

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