Common dye causes breast cancer.
[picapp align=”right” wrap=”false” link=”term=cancer&iid=8393769″ src=”3/6/6/d/Breast_cancer_awareness_2785.jpg?adImageId=11980990&imageId=8393769″ width=”234″ height=”237″ /]In a press conference today a crowd of sheepish breast cancer activists announced the stunning finding that a common dye could be at the root of at least 57% of new breast cancer cases.
Red dye no. 5738, which is diluted to produce the distinctive pink color in breast cancer awareness ribbons, becomes carcinogenic when it comes in contact with the oils in skin. Activists recommend handling the ribbons only when you are wearing latex gloves.
The ribbons should immediately be placed in plastic bags and brought to central collection points in most major cities. Volunteers in hazmat suits will collect the ribbons and ship them to third-world countries where breast cancer awareness is lagging behind advanced societies.
TARP funds were released immediately to help researchers find a way to counteract the carcinogenic effects of red dye no. 5738. In a sweeping two-day, $50 billion study involving extensive tests on five naked mole rats and three hissing cockroaches, scientists have selected green dye no. 8703 as exactly the opposite on the color wheel.
[picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=witch&iid=219297″ src=”0215/28b48434-a482-4a2a-b92d-668065e6fd28.jpg?adImageId=11982747&imageId=219297″ width=”234″ height=”290″ /]In infusion centers all over the developed world, women are lining up to be infused with the precious green dye. Good results are expected to be immediate and oncologists say the dye is well-tolerated. Mild side effects include complete liver failure up to 10 years from the first infusion, spontaneous combustion of the pancreas, expolsive athletes’ foot, gangrene in three or more limbs, and several newly identified syndromes. These syndromes include Wicked Witch of the West syndrome (emerald green skin that might be permanent but could fade with time), Miss Piggy Syndrome (a fondness for frogs and men named Kermit), Incredible Hulk Syndrome (instant weight gain of 300 pounds) and Greenpeace Syndrome (an inexpicable urge to ride a small rubber raft in high seas while chasing whaling ships).
Breast cancer activists have also responded quickly by changing all breast cancer awareness ribbons to green.