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Tired of “wait and watch.”

January 27, 2010

First, the good news. The two tumors they treated in my brain in August have shrunk slightly again. They’re now down to about 4mm each. I don’t remember the original size of one of them, but one was originally 1 cm. They have to be 6mm to treat. So yay about that.

The bad news is that there are two new tiny tumors, about 3mm each. One was a shadow in October. The other wasn’t there. They’re both now about 3mm each. They have to be 1mm to show up on the scan. I didn’t bring home a copy of the scan results because I just plain old don’t like looking at depressing things. However, one of the tumors is close to the brain stem and the other is toward the back of my brain. One can affect motor skills if it gets too large. “Too large” means lots bigger than it is now, so it’s not likely to get to that point.

Remember that they can’t treat these things with gamma knife until they’re 6mm or bigger, so we’re back to wait and watch mode. If they treat them at their current size they can damage the surrounding tissue and that will definitely affect my motor skills. If they wait until they’re large enough to zap then they’ll end up treating just the tumor and no tissue will be damaged.

I asked the brain guy if he’s seen people live for years with this kind of little tumor popping up every few months and he said yes. What you have to hope for is that several tumors don’t show up at once, like 3 or 4 or more, because then they need to do whole brain radiation. That can have some definite effects on quality of life to put it mildly.

The brain guy also said that these two spots appear to be behaving the same way as the others, which is that they’re growing very slowly. That means they’re also likely to respond as well to treatment as the others have.

Also, God is the ultimate brain guy, so we’re going to ask Him to make these things go away and keep others far far away too.

If we get good news in February about the rest of the spots (lung, rib — and nothing new) then I might actually be able to resume normal life and just get my brain zapped in a few months when these brain things are large enough.

So I’m discouraged, which is normal. I’d go back into denial for a while except I get poisoned tomorrow again. It’s relentless this stuff, and I’m well beyond being tired of it. I’d like to jump out of my skin and find another body. If you know of any that are available please let me know.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. Lisa permalink
    January 27, 2010 7:06 pm

    I wish I had another body to give you! Then again, that sounds way wrong on many levels.

    Continued prayers! Thank you so much for the update.

  2. Mame permalink
    January 27, 2010 7:41 pm

    Well, that sucks.

    But then again, it’s not horribly bad either. It sounds to me that it’s under control and there are plans in place for immediate treatment, if it even gets to that point.

    I have a feeling that your February scans will be very positive.

    Send us a post card from Denial.

    Thinking of you Jill, as you endure another round of that posion. If I could, I would take this round for you.



  3. Resa permalink
    January 27, 2010 8:06 pm

    Good news and not so great news, but not bad news, either.

    Sort of like when you know you are getting a refund from the feds, but have to use it to pay the state. Doable and workable, but not preferable.

    Looking forward with you to February.

  4. Mom permalink
    January 27, 2010 8:24 pm

    When you reach 100, Jill, I’ll be 123 waiting for you. Deal? ‘Love and Prayers, Mom

  5. January 27, 2010 9:51 pm

    Ditto all that they said above, excepting that I’ll only be 101 when you get to 100. 🙂
    It’s just so stressful and so heavy a burden to deal with cancer and its treatments even when the news is more in the positive pocket than the negative one. I continue to say that I will take the burden if it can be removed from you.
    Love, #2

  6. Maria Murray permalink
    January 27, 2010 10:59 pm

    Thanks for the update, Mrs. B. You’re in our prayers. – Maria

  7. Sandy Bartell permalink
    January 28, 2010 10:11 am

    Thinking of you and praying for you, Jillita (as Lou used to say 🙂 Hugs, Sandy

  8. Lisa Welch permalink
    January 29, 2010 12:05 am

    Frustrating news, yet so glad things weren’t worse! The never-ending being on hold has to be torturous, in so many ways.
    Hey, I was going to try to come watch you get poisoned today, but waited too long to check with you – if you say you have chemo at 11:15, with a dr. appt first, does that mean you’re going in to see the dr. at 11:15 (ish), and then, at some point later get to the “chemo lounge”, or is the dr. appt earlier, and you get to the chemo around 11:15? I have a class during that time, but depending on how that scheduling works, I can work it out to come distract you (Ava’s taught me some interesting dance moves…) sometime.
    Thinking about you all and hoping you can get back to some semblance of normalcy soon.

    • Jill permalink
      January 31, 2010 7:01 pm

      Finally catching up. If I have a doctor’s appointment schedule I see the doctor at the time posted and then get in to the poison distrubution center whenever we’re finished. Lots of times he’s running behind and sometimes I make him talk longer than he plans. 😉 Anyway, I’d love to see the dance moves.

  9. Sarah permalink
    January 30, 2010 7:31 pm

    Jill, I’m praying that your February news is all good with no bad; normalcy has got to be better than wait and see. Sarahtee xxx

  10. January 31, 2010 11:14 am

    Well that sucks.

    I hope your February news is better.

  11. (Jakk)Kim permalink
    February 1, 2010 7:05 pm

    I like Resa’s analogy – exactly true! Yaayyyy and crap, Jill.

    You’re one strong woman, my friend.

    xoxo Kim.

  12. February 8, 2010 3:37 pm

    We’ll be thinking of you–you are truly a source of strength & inspiration to many women!

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