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Cancer sucks and so does the cure.

August 25, 2009

When they say the cure is worse than the disease they’re right sometimes. Not that I’d stop chemo and let the cancer take over my body, but you know what? Chemo  is positively medieval.

It’s not much of a leap for me to envision some hooded character in a dungeon full of the medieval equivalent of blue nogahyde recliners, inserting sharpened quills into various veins and dripping “just the right amount” of raw poison through sheep gut from a leather bag hung from a literal rack. I can see it. The victims are slowly tortured to the brink of insanity and near death over months and months to the delight of the evil landowner, all the while being told this is good for them.

And, speaking of torture, what is with those blue nogahyde recliners in chemo “infusion rooms”? They’re ugly, they’re uncomfortable, and they’re enourmous. Someone designed them to fit Andre the Giant, his backpack, and half his family. When someone my size sits in one, it makes her feel like a toddler being put in timeout in daddy’s chair.

When I had my first round of chemo, we had a navy blue recliner in our living room. When I finished chemo, I had to get it out of my sight. We tossed it over the balcony on the front of our house and hauled it to the dump. That was a lovely, cathartic experience.

Number of chemo patients likely to visit Reclinerland or La-Z-Boy Furniture Gallery = Zero.

If it weren’t for the thought of all those poor blue nogas who have given their hydes for cancer patients, I would go medieval on every recliner I see. As it is, I’m stuck in one of those danged recliners once a week with a very solicitious nurse performing the torture duties with the best of intentions in her heart.

Surely there’s a better, more effective way to fight this disease. Someone work on that, will ya?

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Marcia permalink
    August 25, 2009 12:23 pm

    If I find a blog contest, may I enter yours?? Then I want a cut of your winnings, of course.

    Happy birthday, Hank!

    • Jill permalink
      August 25, 2009 2:37 pm

      Okay. You may have a cut of the $1.99 I win.

      Squirrel!

  2. Mary June permalink
    August 26, 2009 11:18 am

    Just wanted you to know we are still praying in Fort Worth for your healing…

  3. Mame permalink
    August 26, 2009 4:44 pm

    Oh Jill, the visuals!

    As much as my heart hurts for you, you manage to make me laugh.

    If laughter is the cure you’re well on your way to a full recovery.

    I have a lovely (not) green recliner that I’ve been itching to get rid of. it’s La-zy Boy, of course. What possessed me to get it is beyond any reasonable person’s comphrension. It’s not even a noga. Let’s chalk it up to making tacky decisions during a fitful burst of menopausal hormones.

    I’m eyeing that recliner right now and am tempted to drag it out into the street and set it afire, in your honour.

    If only I wasn’t afraid to be strapped to a recliner in a white coat with long sleeves that are tied behind my back by two nice solicitious men in white jackets who will tell me that they are taking me to a nice farm.

    May there be a special place in Dante’s He11 for hydless noga’s everywhere.

    This ugly cancer hasn’t dimished your beautiful spirit.

    I had a crappy day myself, and now it seems so irrelevant and insignificant.

    I love ya, man.

  4. Lisa permalink
    August 27, 2009 8:04 pm

    You are in my thoughts!

    Visited the marmots for you and said ‘Hi.’

    I had to giggle that I remembered your comment about those lil critters.

    Now if the marmots talked to me.. that would be much more concerning 😉

  5. October 21, 2009 7:34 pm

    Grandpa Wally picked out a Big Blue Noggy at Lazy Boy when he moved into the rental house from the ranch. It is in storage right now because Helen does not have room for it in her house. They use her simple fabric covered lady size recliners and watch Jepardy and Wheel of Fortune every night, play a game or two of cards then go to bed. New HD TV stations has them reeling but they are seeing the difference and learning new channel codes.

    I’ll never look at that Blue Recliner the same way again. I am glad it is in storage and will probably go in the next Garage Sale in Clovis.

    Aunt Pat

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